(it helps if you watch the video before reading)
My way of "B". As I told my dear Aunt this story about what Ive learned in the past 6 months, she asked me, "Becca, how will you remember this journey you've taken?" And I realized how many things I have learned that have impacted my life, whether they are embarrassing to admit or not, I've forgotten the journey, and how much that journey improves the lessons learned. So here I am preserving the journey even if it breaks the "saving face" culture that a lot of us live in or helps someone in need, or just gives you into an intrusive look into my thoughts and life. ( Oh, and if you already didn't notice, there will be a lot of metaphors in this post so I hope your get your metaphorical thinking caps on ;):
About six months ago, our family had a few 'forks in the road' that we needed to figure out. Those decisions would affect a lot of our future. We were barely starting to come out of a hard year with learning the parenting position, the new husband and wife position, post partum depression, regular depression and anxiety, multiple different jobs, both going to school, new apartment, new bills, the big question of what we were doing with our lives and what we should be doing. We knew the only way to truly be able to feel good about our decision, was to pray and do everything we knew to do (the sunday school answers) but with a little more Umph in our step. So we sat down with our calendar and made goals. Temple, scripture study, family prayer, couples prayer, family home evening, etc. And when we would have our decisions made by. We went to the temple twice a month, did everything we could with the goal in mind of receiving an answer to our questions. Our answers came, both of them in the allotted time we gave our selves to decide. Somewhere along the way, my pride got involved and so started my Way of "B".
These first two years of our marriage have been one of the hardest 2 years of our lives. We have had to learn hard lessons the hard way, we've been bumbling our way through love, learning patience, acceptance, compassion, time scheduling, priorities, communication skills, selflessness, each others weaknesses, each others strengths, etc. More than I can number. I am grateful we have the Lord to ground us through it all and that we have never stopped loving each other immensely while doing it.
The past six months have been filled with arguments. Most of them not handled very well and leading to other ones in the future. I slowly started to notice how angry I would feel faster and with more rage than normal, my patience was waining especially with Nhiya. My compassion was flickering to almost nothing in arguments and heated discussions. All of this was because of my pride. I had decided to become offended over something silly. I felt that God wasn't being fair. That I wasn't important enough in some way. Growing up I was taught that none of those things were ever true. I was a missionary for 18 months, I taught people and with conviction that God is not capable of feeling that way. I knew these things for my self and yet, here I was, choosing to be offended by God for something, that in hindsight, is really silly.
That's all it took for me to let the darkness in. I stopped talking to my Heavenly Father, I stopped reading the scriptures, we had callings in the nursery so we never got to go to class and all throughout sacrament we had to fight Nhiya, so listening to the talks was next to impossible. So I had chosen to be in Limbo. No effort to communicate or listen to Him. All throughout I could hear the lessons in my head about how you can always come back. So I used that as an excuse that I could just be mad, until I wasn't anymore. I knew I was missing out of blessings, and on communications, and things that could help me and others in my life, but I had let the pride make me apathetic to it all. I thought to myself, " there are tons of people out there who don't read, listen, pray, or anything and they all seem to be just fine..."
Arguments continued on a regular basis. Neither one of us wanting to back down most of the time, sometimes they would resolve, other times not so much. But I was self aware enough that i could tell my unconditional love and compassion meter was waining in so many ways. I felt heavy, and weighed down, (in hindsight) just darker. You know when you come into a darker room and your eyes adjust, you kind of forget about what more light would look light. Until someone turns on a switch and you realize how dark of a room you had been sitting in? My eyes had adjusted, and honestly I was just fine where I was, in a state of limbo spiritually.
Until one day, I was so tired of the same old arguments, the same old anger, the same old record playing in my mind. I was just tired. I was sitting at my computer while Nhiya was taking a nap. I felt broken. A mess. I really felt lost for the first time in a very long time. I felt empty and confused. Everything I had been experiencing had finally boiled it's way over the top and I was finally registering the effects. And I was ready. With the little bit of courage that I had left, I walked over to the couch and got on my knees. I just knelt there. No words. Just thought to myself, you need to say this one out loud. -but i don't want to.- but you need to............. "Dear Heavenly Father.........." The words felt awkward being heard out loud to what could feel like nobody. It had been a while. The song I Need Thee Every Hour started playing in my mind. "In joy or Pain." I was in pain. In my patriarchal blessing it tells me to talk to Him as a friend. So that's what I started doing.
I told Him I was sorry, to forgive me for my pride and stupidity, that I felt broken, confused, and needed help. I don't know how long I was praying for, but at the end, I asked Him to let me know if He really was there again and If he really did know me.
I expected to feel that warm blanket feeling everyone talks about, or goosebumbs, or something significant. Nope, none of those things. But what I did receive was a lesson I hope I can remember for the rest of my days. Most of them were thing I had already thought I knew, but not good enough.
We all have our seasons of learning. Whether that be by our own stubbornness or by divine design. I had gotten to a fork in the road, and by my own stubbornness decided to take road "b" in order to get from "A" to "C". I learned that truly, compassion, love, the feeling of light in our bodies, happiness, patience, etc, all the attribute of God- They are all GIFTS. God gives them to us depending on our obedience. The MOMENT I hit my knees EVERYTHING changed. I was seriously a new person. I didn't notice it til about a week or so later, but my perspective was different, and my compassion and love toward my husband was different. My desires had changed, my thoughts were on a different track system. My heart was and is still full.
I needed that time, for who knows what, but that was my season to learn and to change. I turned a corner out of the dark alley way. Ive set times for myself for studying and praying and pondering. I am not perfect at them and still struggle. But now effort is in place of apathy. Optimism in place of pessimism. And best of all, I now see my husband in a whole new beautiful light. I needed to have that opposition in my life to truly see the importance of having the God given gifts of love, patience, compassion, and happiness.
I look back at my road "B" while I'm still on my way to "C" and think to myself, that I'm not proud of it, but grateful I decided to learn from it, and am aware enough to get back on my way, away from that dead end and on to learn more lessons that God has in store for me. I know that it has been prayer and reading and listening God's prophets that has filled me with this light and given me back the compassion God like qualities that I need to make our marriage even better. When making decisions, God expects us to pray, trust, and be believing and then not give up, panic, or "jump ship" when something doesn't seem to be going right. - Holland I write this as a testimony to the love and patience of an all knowing God and a Savior that is ready and waiting to hear our pleas of humble forgiveness and to grant us that feeling of cleanliness and wholeness. I now have conviction that that is the wrong road. I have a perfect knowledge that God loves us. They've got our back. They're just waiting for us to be ready. SOMETIMES dead- ends are the only ways back to path "A". I'm am forever grateful for a patient Father in heaven and Savior who were waiting for me there.
