So here I am, attempting to strengthen my character by being vulnerable in front of peers.Well as vulnerable as I want to be right now.
Since January of 2014 I've been on a journey of hope. Hope for myself both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've battled depression and anxiety since I was 12. The worst I had had it was on my mission for the LDS church. When I had Nhiya we could not have been more excited and blessed to have such a spirit of light in our lives. But her entire first year of life I continued to be plagued with post-partum depression. I wasn't myself, my emotions were all over the place, and there was a time that, unfortunately, suicide crossed my mind. It was an exhausting year for me and my body, as well as our family as we were still trying to get our footing in all the new roles we had acquired, school, jobs, finances,finding a home, etc.
I was in denial for most of it until January of 2014. I finally felt this big thick blanket that seemed to muffle everything from the outside world and any type of enjoyment or happiness, had fallen off of me. I literally felt like a new person, being let out of a personal prison. My mind could actually think rationally again and I wasn't afraid to be alone with it. That first year, I dealt with my depression, fears, insecurities with food. It was the one thing that I didn't have to explain myself to and it was the closest to feeling content I could feel. Now don't get me wrong, my daughter and my husband still brought me light in my life, but depression is a ''black hole'' type of disease. There seems to be no exceptions to its demands of self deprivation. It's hard to explain if you haven't experience severe depression.
Well since food became my comfort and exercise of any sort became the enemy, you can imagine ( and also obviously see) what happened. In January I was informed about an opportunity that could possibly instil hope back into my life. But it did cost. I have NEVER been one for paying for "diets" or any of that stuff. My mother in law had taken part in this thing called Take Shape For Life. A program doing exactly what the title talks about. I researched, did some homework, and with the support of the hubby, I was off on a journey of hope and health. Alex and I had talked about how we would come up with the money each month, and we have made it work for the last 5 months. I cannot say it has been easy or that I didn't give up, but I can say that I am proud of myself. The aches and pains I used to have in my back have disappeared. The knowledge I have about how my body works is now instilled in me and gives me power to take responsibility for my health.
Since I started in January I've lost about 30 lbs!! I feel like me again. I had just given up and decided I was one of those moms that just stayed bigger after her first kid and never went back. I was embarrassed to go out, to see any of Alex's friends, or mine for that matter.
Its not the lbs that I'm proud of, I'm more proud that I invested in myself and am succeeding at being invested in myself (not in a selfish way). I am continuing to learn, to make decisions every day that help me feel and look on the outside how I feel on the inside.
Whether you're here to just gawk or actually read the story, either way, I stand here being vulnerable. And I hope you understand the amount of courage that takes. I hope you can find the courage as well to be vulnerable in some way to help you dig deeper into who you are. If you are interested in the program I used, please feel free to ask me questions- no strings attached. I will be completely honest with you about all of it. Feel free to visit http://rebeccajohnson17.tsfl.com/
so that you can see what I'm talking about and I would love to help you do the same in your life!
