4-7-13
Nhiya is four whole months tomorrow. She already is Smiling
up a storm at everyone. She loves to stand and lean side to side. She still
loves to eat her hands but now she loves holding her feet as well. She’s like a
little monkey. She loves anyone she’s around, well as long as she’s fed and
changed…I’ve been thinking a lot this week about Christ talking about how we
should be childlike, but not childish and how there is a difference. I am
naturally very hard on myself and take many things personally. I worry so much
about what other people think of me and it leads me to feeling worthless. I put
so much weight on the validation of others, that it clouds my view of how I see
me, Alex sees me, and how I am seen by my Heavenly Father. Those, in the end,
is all that matters. I just have to look at Nhiya and she just lights up with
happiness, like she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but with me, here and
now. She doesn’t care that I have gained weight, she doesn’t care that I haven’t
put on my makeup, or have the nicest clothes, or that my room isn’t clean, that
we aren’t rich. No judgements whatsoever, just love, pure love. I feel she sees me the way I want to be seen,
just loved for the hard work that I AM doing, even if it hasn’t been or isn’t everything. That is what Christ means about being
childlike, no judgements, no stereotypes, just love and open acceptance to
those you know and have an opportunity to influence for the good. I personally
am guilty of stereotyping, judging, and smack talk. Now that I have had Nhiya,
I’ve noticed how toxic and unproductive it is to do those things. That doesn’t make
it any easier to stop, it’s such a big thing in our culture, something that
comes so natural to all of us; Talking
about someone else as if you are better, or know more, or know their
circumstances. Remembering that if we truly knew what those people have been
through, what they might be dealing
with, we would immediately stop and change our ways and be the first to their
aid. The way Nhiya’s innocence radiates in her smile in her eyes of acceptance
makes me feel safe. Sounds funny to sound safe in someone who is wholly dependent
upon me for her every need, nevertheless, that’s how it is. She makes me want
to be that way as well. Feeling judged, feeling misunderstood takes people to
dark places- light and darkness cannot be in the same place at the same time.
Light is what gives us hope, happiness, and harmony within ourselves and with
others, even if we do disagree with one another. Nhiya means radiance and
purpose, she has definitely lived up to her name, and she is a light in my life,
has given me a new purpose I know I was meant to learn from. What a tender
mercy from a loving, knowing Heavenly Father.
