It's ok to not be ok

I just want you to know that it's ok. It's ok to not be ok. Being a person that has suffered from mental illness for most of my life, it has stolen many things from me. It has overwhelmed many of my true wills. My will to be happy, to be more active, my will to be better, more helpful, to be more of a wife and mom, to be more outgoing, or even to leave the house, some days to just leave the bed. It is pain that is annoying to talk about because you can't really explain it. It has become not as taboo to talk about but I still don't feel it has really become fully acceptable to openly talk about. But we are getting there. You want others to understand the anguish and constant million miles an hour thoughts and emotions that go through you in a minute. Looking at statistics, there are quite a few that understand yet each one of us feels alone. After suffering from anxiety and depression since I was 11, and experiencing all its varying degrees of hell, it has lead me to wonder what I think a lot of people with any type of illness, affliction, horrible tragedy, handicap, or life long suffering might ask. Why would God- or the universe, whichever you believe in- let this happen? Since I believe in God, that is who I will be referring to. Why would an all powerful being who knows me personally but also created worlds and universes not just take this away from me? He knows how much it hinders my true potential. He knows the pain it puts me in how it negatively affects my family. So what the heck?! What's the point?

So at one point in my life I sought out the answer to these questions relentlessly. Although I have struggled and continue to struggle with anxiety and depression and the pain it brings, there was a time where it became an everyday, every minute mountain to climb.  I served a volunteer mission for my church. This 18 month mission proved to be one of the hardest and most painful mentally , emotionally, and physically. Every.single.day was a minute by minute struggle. I can't even begin to explain. My spirit was so eager and willing to go out and talk to people and to talk about things I knew to be of worth and value and most of all true. But my body prevented me from being able to fully use that eagerness. My anxiety and depression held me back from speaking a lot, being able to think. Most of the time, all my effort was spent on not crying, holding myself together, and making it to the next door or appt. While the other part was trying to figure out what I was even so anxious or depressed about. None of it made any sense to me or anyone else around for that matter. The only respite I got was in lessons when we had the spirit there with us. That was the only time everything faded. I was the true me. I was free to speak, to feel feelings other than anxiety and to speak the words I came thousands of miles to say. Once we closed the prayer though, the anxiety came back like a big punch in the stomach and there I was back to square one again. Not only was the work exhausting, but so was my anxiety and eventually deep depression took its place. Since I tried to mask my severe anxiety, my insides started tying themselves in knots. At one point they thought I had appendicitis. Emergency CT scans and a colonoscopy came up empty with answers. Every day I was using half of my capacity to be ok and all that stress was being held inside.

So why would God let that happen. I was giving up 18 months of my life to do what He wanted me to do. He knew that if I didnt have that handicap then I could do so much more with that time and be so much more effective. So why would He let me be hindered by my own body? Why didn't he just take the pain away? Why doesn't he take the pain away now?

Here's what I came to understand. Pain allows us to learn.  Before we came to this life we knew we our mortal bodies would be subject to pain and afflictions among other things. We accepted that law before we came to earth. We knew we would have trials, we understood that even though trials and other things like them SUCK, in the end we CAN learn and grow and become something more and get closer to the potential God sees in us and knows that we can achieve- whatever capacity that is.  The pain I have endured, just from this affliction alone, has created a whole new side of empathy for me. I am slower to judge, quicker to hug, and more open minded to others and their lives. I now understand so much more about this life, myself, and its purpose because of my struggles. Ive been in the deep valley of despair, and took, what might seem to most to be small and insignificant steps, to make it to different peaks. And every day I take more steps to the next. Along the way I have not been alone. Sometimes it has felt that way, but when I am able to have clarity from the dark mist that my illness brings, I can see that I had angels around me, tender mercies from the Lord, and a small voice of hope inside me. Though those 18 months were the longest and most painful, they were also the most cherished to me. I became better, I understood more about my purpose about who Christ and God are a people, their plan for me and others, and I have never felt so much joy at that time than I did in that 18 months.


      "And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions, yea God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in Him, and He will deliver me." (Alma 36:27)
It all goes back to Christ and the atonement. The atonement will not take away pain, trials, or afflictions. But it gives us the strength to grow from them rather than shrink away. Something that has always brought me comfort is the fact that Christ himself asked if could just not do it. If there was any other way. He was allowed to choose not to but was sent an angel for strength and understanding. - Just as He sends us. Whether that be in family and friends, in small tender mercies, in strangers, neighbors, or in kind thoughts, rushes of happiness for no reason, or prayers from people you didnt even know were being sent in behalf of you.
God sent Christ down to experience pains, afflictions, and trials of all kinds. He experienced every single one of our own personal anguishes, anxieties, disabilities, etc while in Gethsemene and up to Galgotha, and still while carrying his own cross, being whipped and being nailed and hanging on the cross.  None of know how he was able, but He was half God, so I know there was a way. But he stood in line for each person who has ever lived and will ever live and experienced all that. Why does that matter? Because he overcame it. He also experienced your joy when you make the small, and what might seem insignificant to others, victories of just getting out of bed, or talking to someone, or smiling to yourself in the mirror. The small efforts and big to just make the best of whatever situation this life has you in. Christ was allowed to choose to not experience all that. Not to have all his millions of tiny capillaries break and bleed of every pore on his body because of the weight of the pain and anguish he had to experience. And yet, He did. So that you didnt have to be alone. We are never alone. Never alone. Christ went on with conviction and faith in the face of all in surmounting doom.  But the best part is, after all the doom, He overcame. He came back from the dead, healed, glowing, and with a knowledge and understanding of this life and its purpose like no other. Our pains, our afflictions, our disabilities and things that hold us back that we can't control God knows that. He knew we would have these hinderances. But he also knew we were strong enough to continue on with them. It might not feel like we are strong enough, but neither did Christ. Thats why God sends us angels in all forms.


I just want to let you know its going to be ok. And that it's ok to not be ok. But there is a hope. Know that you are not alone in your fight against this black pit of struggle. That some days or weeks or months feels like a horrible steep mountain to climb. Even if you can't see me, I'm a fellow traveler making her way in my own sphere. My anxiety and depression did not go away when I got home. It was much more manageable. After having my daughter it came back in the form of post partum depression. Another low mountain to climb. I still sometimes have to fathom that these diseases will never go away. Know that you are worthy to take every step you can towards that peak. And each landing you land one while you are on your way there, take in the view. Know that each small step is worth something. If it doesnt mean anything to anyone else, know that I know how much it took to make even one step. The big guys upstairs do too. And while maybe you specifically might not believe in them, or pray to them, or believe in something completely different, I believe that we are believed in by something bigger and greater than we are. And that one day, I don't know when, but one day we will get to see ourselves, as we are right now. And we will smile, because even though we could have just not done it, we did. We chose to climb. Whether it took us a while or not to do so, we did.


I hate depression and anxiety. I don't enjoy them and hate when they over take me. But I can definitely say that by having them, especially on my mission, I have become a much stronger person. I use what I learned from that time every day. Ive learned Im stronger than I thought. I don't think I could have become that strong in the ways that I have without them. They dig into every single vulnerability and insecurity I have. And yet each year I look back at myself and I have can see that small steps I've made in my campaign against them. Not everyone feels that way. Some feel as if they are losing the battle. And to you I want you to reach out, to me, to family to your cat or your dog, To God- I can teach you how to pray, the universe, someone. If you know someone reach out to them by spending time with them. Watch a movie, clean out their fridge, paint their nails, just be there in some way. You can be an angel.

By way of "B"

"There are time when the only way to get from "A" to "C" is by way of "B"." - Elder Holland

(it helps if you watch the video before reading)

My way of "B". As I told my dear Aunt this story about what Ive learned in the past 6 months, she asked me, "Becca, how will you remember this journey you've taken?" And I realized how many things I have learned that have impacted my life, whether they are embarrassing to admit or not, I've forgotten the journey, and how much that journey improves the lessons learned. So here I am preserving the journey even if it breaks the "saving face" culture that a lot of us live in or helps someone in need, or just gives you into an intrusive look into my thoughts and life. ( Oh, and if you already didn't notice, there will be a lot of metaphors in this post so I hope your get your metaphorical thinking caps on ;):

About six months ago, our family had a few 'forks in the road' that we needed to figure out. Those decisions would affect a lot of our future. We were barely starting to come out of a hard year with learning the parenting position, the new husband and wife position, post partum depression, regular depression and anxiety, multiple different jobs, both going to school, new apartment, new bills, the big question of what we were doing with our lives and what we should be doing. We knew the only way to truly be able to feel good about our decision, was to pray and do everything we knew to do (the sunday school answers) but with a little more Umph in our step. So we sat down with our calendar and made goals. Temple, scripture study, family prayer, couples prayer, family home evening, etc. And when we would have our decisions made by. We went to the temple twice a month, did everything we could with the goal in mind of receiving an answer to our questions. Our answers came, both of them in the allotted time we gave our selves to decide. Somewhere along the way, my pride got involved and so started my Way of "B". 


These first two years of our marriage have been one of the hardest 2 years of our lives. We have had to learn hard lessons the hard way, we've been bumbling our way through love, learning patience, acceptance, compassion, time scheduling, priorities, communication skills, selflessness, each others weaknesses, each others strengths, etc. More than I can number. I am grateful we have the Lord to ground us through it all and that we have never stopped loving each other immensely while doing it. 

The past six months have been filled with arguments. Most of them not handled very well and leading to other ones in the future. I slowly started to notice how angry I would feel faster and with more rage than normal, my patience was waining especially with Nhiya. My compassion was flickering to almost nothing in arguments and heated discussions. All of this was because of my pride. I had decided to become offended over something silly. I felt that God wasn't being fair. That I wasn't important enough in some way. Growing up I was taught that none of those things were ever true. I was a missionary for 18 months, I taught people and with conviction that God is not capable of feeling that way. I knew these things for my self and yet, here I was, choosing to be offended by God for something, that in hindsight, is really silly. 

That's all it took for me to let the darkness in. I stopped talking to my Heavenly Father, I stopped reading the scriptures, we had callings in the nursery so we never got to go to class and all throughout sacrament we had to fight Nhiya, so listening to the talks was next to impossible. So I had chosen to be in Limbo. No effort to communicate or listen to Him. All throughout I could hear the lessons in my head about how you can always come back. So I used that as an excuse that I could just be mad, until I wasn't anymore. I knew I was missing out of blessings, and on communications, and things that could help me and others in my life, but I had let the pride make me apathetic to it all. I thought to myself, " there are tons of people out there who don't read, listen, pray, or anything and they all seem to be just fine..." 

Arguments continued on a regular basis. Neither one of us wanting to back down most of the time, sometimes they would resolve, other times not so much. But I was self aware enough that i could tell my unconditional love and compassion meter was waining in so many ways. I felt heavy, and weighed down, (in hindsight) just darker. You know when you come into a darker room and your eyes adjust, you kind of forget about what more light would look light. Until someone turns on a switch and  you realize how dark of a room you had been sitting in? My eyes had adjusted, and honestly I was just fine where I was, in a state of limbo spiritually. 

Until one day, I was so tired of the same old arguments, the same old anger, the same old record playing in my mind. I was just tired. I was sitting at my computer while Nhiya was taking a nap. I felt broken. A mess. I really felt lost for the first time in a very long time. I felt empty and confused. Everything I had been experiencing had finally boiled it's way over the top and I was finally registering the effects. And I was ready. With the little bit of courage that I had left, I walked over to the couch and got on my knees. I just knelt there. No words. Just thought to myself, you need to say this one out loud. -but i don't want to.- but you need to.............   "Dear Heavenly Father.........." The words felt awkward being heard out loud to what could feel like nobody. It had been a while. The song I Need Thee Every Hour started playing in my mind. "In joy or Pain." I was in pain. In my patriarchal blessing it tells me to talk to Him as a friend. So that's what I started doing. 

I told Him I was sorry, to forgive me for my pride and stupidity, that I felt broken, confused, and needed help. I don't know how long I was praying for, but at the end, I asked Him to let me know if He really was there again and If he really did know me.  

I expected to feel that warm blanket feeling everyone talks about, or goosebumbs, or something significant. Nope, none of those things. But what I did receive was a lesson I hope I can remember for the rest of my days. Most of them were thing I had already thought I knew, but not good enough. 

We all have our seasons of learning. Whether that be by our own stubbornness or by divine design. I had gotten to a fork in the road, and by my own stubbornness decided to take road "b" in order to get from "A" to "C". I learned that truly, compassion, love, the feeling of light in our bodies, happiness, patience, etc, all the attribute of God- They are all GIFTS. God gives them to us depending on our obedience. The MOMENT I hit my knees EVERYTHING changed. I was seriously a new person. I didn't notice it til about a week or so later, but my perspective was different, and my compassion and love toward my husband was different. My desires had changed, my thoughts were on a different track system. My heart was and is still full. 

I needed that time, for who knows what, but that was my season to learn and to change. I turned a corner out of the dark alley way. Ive set times for myself for studying and praying and pondering. I am not perfect at them and still struggle. But now effort is in place of apathy. Optimism in place of pessimism. And best of all, I now see my husband in a whole new beautiful light. I needed to have that opposition in my life to truly see the importance of having the God given gifts of love, patience, compassion, and happiness. 

I look back at my road "B" while I'm still on my way to "C" and think to myself, that I'm not proud of it, but grateful I decided to learn from it, and am aware enough to get back on my way, away from that dead end and on to learn more lessons that God has in store for me. I know that it has been prayer and reading and listening God's prophets that has filled me with this light and given me back the compassion God like qualities that I need to make our marriage even better. When making decisions, God expects us to pray, trust, and be believing and then not give up, panic, or "jump ship" when something doesn't seem to be going right. - Holland  I write this as a testimony to the love and patience of an all knowing God and a Savior that is ready and waiting to hear our pleas of humble forgiveness and to grant us that feeling of cleanliness and wholeness. I now have conviction that that is the wrong road. I have a perfect knowledge that God loves us. They've got our back. They're just waiting for us to be ready. SOMETIMES dead- ends are the only ways back to path "A". I'm am forever grateful for a patient Father in heaven and Savior who were waiting for me there. 

What I've learned being a first time mom with a toddler

1. The world is a big and exciting place. The simplest of things, if as adults we really think about it, are quite remarkable and awe inspiring!

2. Just like a simple kiss from mom can fix their boo boo, a big cheesy crooked smile from them can fix your your achy heart. 

3. Having a toddler (or a baby in general) makes you surprise yourself sometimes on how much you can let yourself go because you have to just reserve your energy for other more important battles with your little one. Sometimes you just look down right ridiculous. 

( PS- This photo was not edited to be sepia- which i find to be a very unclassy way to edit photos, but I don't have the energy how to fix it with blogger ;))

4. You baby will ALWAYS look different and cuter to you than anyone else. You spend the most time with them, and you can see their potential grow right before you eyes. The sparkle in their eye, you can see their soul continue to pronounce itself day in and day out. There is so much beauty in their innocence as well as their curious mischief. 

5.  You have no idea what you are doing or what to do or how to be 95% of the time. And some how they always seem to know what they are doing! How do they always seem to know what they are doing??!!

6. How to be fearless. This is my favorite part about my Nhiya. She has always been fearless. I have never felt so much purpose out of one little human. Since before she was born, I knew she was just excited to be here and to experience EV.ER.Y.THING!

7. Jump in with both feet. "Great people do things before they are already." - Amy Poehler If you didn't know, Nhiya was our honeymoon baby. We knew we were meant to start a family soon after we were married, but I was still not all for it or even felt I was ready. The day I found out I was pregnant, I cried, REALLY hard. Because for one, I knew I wouldn't get the time I wanted with Alex, and my body would no longer be the same, neither would our lives. I was TERRIFIED. As i knelt in prayer, a feeling of absolute gratitude filled my entire being, and from that moment on, I knew that this is how it was always meant to be and from that moment I knew it was a girl. Throughout my pregnancy I could feel Nhiya's spirit. I felt as if I had conversations with her. Our souls knew each other already. that feeling has never faded, only gotten stronger. 

8.  You will do, and be, and say things you never thought you would do, or be, or say. "Get your finger away from your bum!" I ate ice off our carpet the other night like a dog because that was the game she wanted to play. I am now a scholar in interpreting "Nhiya Language" I taught her the words boobies and bum in the same day, because she honestly wanted to know. I also taught her the work vagina...... Her Bath time is full of educational questions from this girl 

9.  She teaches me more than I think I could EVER teach her. She is the one helping me work out my salvation, and making me figure out my sanity as well ;)

10.  Being happy is as simple as playing in the grass on a late afternoon. Nothing else has to matter than being with the people you love. EVER!

11. How to say "Hi!" to perfect strangers. No joke this girl gets so excited about saying hi to strangers  we see in the stores we go in. Sometimes if the store is small enough, as soon as we walk in the door she will just yell a general "HI!" to everyone there. I absolutely love it, and I hope she never stops. I can tell it makes a difference in some of their days. Catches people off guard just enough to maybe take them out of their bad mood their faces seem to hold onto. 

12. She is able to say and help other people feel loved, wanted, and needed that I love and want to feel that way but can't make them feel that way themselves. She just has a way with people. 

13. I NEVER knew this kind of love existed. A pure, happy, soul and body filling, painful but amazing, bigger than this world, innocent, unconditional kind of love. She literally makes my heart explode with happiness. I love nap time, but by the end of it, I always seem to miss her and her crazy hyper self. 

14. There is always hope, whether you take that hope to the next minute or the next day, week, or even year. I have a lot of flaws and have anxiety and depression that affects my abilities as a mom sometimes. But Nhiya has always been such a light in the darkness that seems to accompany those disabilities. It is definitely a learning curve, but she has never given up on me. She always has hope, even for the next moment, and that is contagious. Its been a road, and not one well traveled, but one I would never take back. 

I wrote this journal entry about a month before she was born. She is already fulfilling this in her short year and a half of life. 

11-11-12

" Nhiya will do great things, she might not be the president one day, or the prophet’s wife,  or a doctor, but I know that the impact she will have on our lives will be great. Her potential can already be felt by me, and her spirit was chosen to impact lives in the greatest of ways. The simple ways that help ordinary people to the world realize the extraordinary individual they are to their Father in Heaven.  And that is great."

A few Short Things I learned as Missionary with Anxiety and Depression 

Part I

1. If all you have to give for that day is 10%, then you give 100% of that 10%.

2. The spirit we have inside us is alive and FULL of passion and desire to fulfill our potential and to connect with others. Our mortal bodies come with disabilities and weaknesses that prevent us from fulfilling that perfectly. Sometimes even muffling it out completely. But it is part of our test. It is the resistance for us to strengthen ourselves and really cherish the journey of lessons we must learn in order to achieve that potential and guide us to others. It also doesn't mean that we conquer them, only that we learn to lean on the Lord for what we cannot do because of them.

3. God's love is sometimes tough love. And that is ok. I think its the best kind of love. ( I didn't think that while my hardships were happening, but  now I understand it is a love that instills trust in both parties.)

4. Don't be fake. It wastes time.

5. Trials are treasures in hindsight.

6. The tender mercies of the Lord can sometimes feel like the not-so-tender mercies of the Lord.

7. You were never meant to do anything by yourself. Christ already did so you never have to.

8. It is possible to be home sick for a home you have no physical knowledge of but of a home your spirit once knew.

9. On a mission, your spirit will be at home, but your body will be in a foreign land.

10. It IS worth the fight.

11. A few words of compassion, and/or a listening ear can do miracles.

12. Even if you don't feel like it, smile anyway.

13. Don't forget why you're there. Let it fuel you. If you can't, have someone else remind you.

14. Let people in. It's uncomfortable, but it eases the pain in the end.

One of the first miracles on Fort Jackson I got to be a part of! Changed my life!

Being a missionary on Fort Jackson changed my mission for so much good!

The sister who saw me through it all! Sis. Romney

On my way home from my full time LDS Mission

       

I write this post reluctantly, mostly because of dumb reasons. There are very few people in my life that have seen me at my worst. I, like pretty much the rest of the world, have a hard time feeling vulnerable in front of other people. But if there is one thing that I have learned from being a missionary and being a wife, it's that we grow from letting ourselves be vulnerable. We get to see deeper into who we really are. Our character gains depth and substance.

So here I am, attempting to strengthen my character by being vulnerable in front of peers.Well as vulnerable as I want to be right now. 

Since January of 2014 I've been on a journey of hope. Hope for myself both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've battled depression and anxiety since I was 12. The worst I had had it was on my mission for the LDS church. When I had Nhiya we could not have been more excited and blessed to have such a spirit of light in our lives. But her entire first year of life I continued to be plagued with post-partum depression. I wasn't myself, my emotions were all over the place, and there was a time that, unfortunately, suicide crossed my mind. It was an exhausting year for me and my body, as well as our family as we were still trying to get our footing in all the new roles we had acquired, school, jobs, finances,finding a home, etc.

I was in denial for most of it until January of 2014.  I finally felt this big thick blanket that seemed to muffle everything from the outside world and any type of enjoyment or happiness, had fallen off of me. I literally felt like a new person, being let out of a personal prison. My mind could actually think rationally again and I wasn't afraid to be alone with it. That first year, I dealt with my depression, fears, insecurities with food. It was the one thing that I didn't have to explain myself to and it was the closest to feeling content I could feel. Now don't get me wrong, my daughter and my husband still brought me light in my life, but depression is a ''black hole'' type of disease. There seems to be no exceptions to its demands of self deprivation. It's hard to explain if you haven't experience severe depression. 

Well since food became my comfort and exercise of any sort became the enemy, you can imagine ( and also obviously see) what happened. In January I was informed about an opportunity that could possibly instil hope back into my life. But it did cost. I have NEVER been one for paying for "diets" or any of that stuff. My mother in law had taken part in this thing called Take Shape For Life. A program doing exactly what the title talks about. I researched, did some homework, and with the support of the hubby, I was off on a journey of hope and health. Alex and I had talked about how we would come up with the money each month, and we have made it work for the last 5 months. I cannot say it has been easy or that I didn't give up, but I can say that I am proud of myself. The aches and pains I used to have in my back have disappeared. The knowledge I have about how my body works is now instilled in me and gives me power to take responsibility for my health. 

Since I started in January I've lost about 30 lbs!! I feel like me again. I had just given up and decided I was one of those moms that just stayed bigger after her first kid and never went back. I was embarrassed to go out, to see any of Alex's friends, or mine for that matter. 

Its not the lbs that I'm proud of, I'm more proud that I invested in myself and am succeeding at being invested in myself (not in a selfish way). I am continuing to learn, to make decisions every day that help me feel and look on the outside how I feel on the inside. 

Whether you're here to just gawk or actually read the story, either way, I stand here being vulnerable. And I hope you understand the amount of courage that takes. I hope you can find the courage as well to be vulnerable in some way to help you dig deeper into who you are. If you are interested in the program I used, please feel free to ask me questions- no strings attached. I will be completely honest with you about all of it. Feel free to visit http://rebeccajohnson17.tsfl.com/

so that you can see what I'm talking about and I would love to help you do the same in your life!

Childlike- Not Childish

4-7-13

Nhiya is four whole months tomorrow. She already is Smiling up a storm at everyone. She loves to stand and lean side to side. She still loves to eat her hands but now she loves holding her feet as well. She’s like a little monkey. She loves anyone she’s around, well as long as she’s fed and changed…I’ve been thinking a lot this week about Christ talking about how we should be childlike, but not childish and how there is a difference. I am naturally very hard on myself and take many things personally. I worry so much about what other people think of me and it leads me to feeling worthless. I put so much weight on the validation of others, that it clouds my view of how I see me, Alex sees me, and how I am seen by my Heavenly Father. Those, in the end, is all that matters. I just have to look at Nhiya and she just lights up with happiness, like she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but with me, here and now. She doesn’t care that I have gained weight, she doesn’t care that I haven’t put on my makeup, or have the nicest clothes, or that my room isn’t clean, that we aren’t rich. No judgements whatsoever, just love, pure love.  I feel she sees me the way I want to be seen, just loved for the hard work that I AM doing, even if it  hasn’t been or isn’t everything.  That is what Christ means about being childlike, no judgements, no stereotypes, just love and open acceptance to those you know and have an opportunity to influence for the good. I personally am guilty of stereotyping, judging, and smack talk. Now that I have had Nhiya, I’ve noticed how toxic and unproductive it is to do those things. That doesn’t make it any easier to stop, it’s such a big thing in our culture, something that comes so natural to all of us;  Talking about someone else as if you are better, or know more, or know their circumstances. Remembering that if we truly knew what those people have been through,  what they might be dealing with, we would immediately stop and change our ways and be the first to their aid. The way Nhiya’s innocence radiates in her smile in her eyes of acceptance makes me feel safe. Sounds funny to sound safe in someone who is wholly dependent upon me for her every need, nevertheless, that’s how it is. She makes me want to be that way as well. Feeling judged, feeling misunderstood takes people to dark places- light and darkness cannot be in the same place at the same time. Light is what gives us hope, happiness, and harmony within ourselves and with others, even if we do disagree with one another. Nhiya means radiance and purpose, she has definitely lived up to her name, and she is a light in my life, has given me a new purpose I know I was meant to learn from. What a tender mercy from a loving, knowing Heavenly Father.

Moments and Messages

I believe that some of the neatest blessings are reserved for women who sacrifice. When something you’ve been trying to teach for so long finally sticks, or that tiny smile on a child's face late at night, can have the answers to so many of your prayers. It can tell you things straight from God you've been waiting so long to hear, or just remind you of a few important things that you forgot about how wonderful you are and how aware and how much He loves you...

 It's 1 am, and I look over to see two gorgeous doe eyes staring right at me. "hey you!" I say with a soft voice and a big smile. Her eyes brighten and her lips pull back into a gorgeous gummy smile, like me saying hi to her just made her life. The smile stays and she just keeps looking straight into my eyes.

  A week ago, Alex and I were playing with Nhiya, our 7 week old daughter. Enjoying being a new family and Nhiya's new ability to smile. And one point we get quiet and just look at Nhiya with such amazement that she is ours! Suddenly her eyes brighten, and her lips soften into a huge smile, looking back and forth at me and Alex. My eyes welled up with tears. This wasn’t the first time Nhiya had smiled at us, but this was the first time there was a message with her smile. - First off, let me say that I know that everyone has a spirit. I believe that that spirit is the same spirit we had before we came to this life. I know that that same spirit grew in intelligence and learned and lived with God before we came here to be housed in mortal bodies so we can experience hands on good from bad and choose for ourselves. I also believe that children are born innocent, and their spirits are more connected to their spirits and you can see it in their eyes and feel it by being in their presence.- With that being said, the message was that she was happy she chose us. She was happy being a family with Alex and I. It might seem like we just met, but we knew each other before. I knew I chose right.  Heavenly Father also spoke to me through her. Not with words but with a feeling, as He usually does. If that feeling had words, it would say: “ You are doing a good job and I am proud of you two. I knew I could trust this little one with you two. You have made me so very pleased.”

In the quiet moments of this night, looking over into her gorgeous light filled eyes staring at me, depending on me for all of her needs, and she smiles. She smiles without provocation. She smiles with a message again. Stronger than usual, maybe my soul has been wanting to hear it and it’s just been so busy and so loud I haven’t taken the time to hear it...           

  It says, "you have no idea how much I love you. Simply"

Mothers are called to bare a unique cross. Each of us a different kind at different times in our life. Strains and trials of the mind, the heart, the body, the spirit, etc. Our tender hearts can sometimes hurt more when someone we love is hurt or wronged, more than we would if it were us. By nature we are called to a divine sacrifice as mothers. First responders to matters of the heart, even when we don't think we have the strength or the knowledge to do so. So many have mothers needed to sacrifice one way or another. Something I have come to know through my mission, and I have felt the translation over to motherhood, even though I am new to it, is that the sweetest and grandest touching blessings are RESERVED for those exact women who answer that divine call of sacrifice. Whether your children are biological or not, whether you consider your Sunday school class like your children or not, whether it’s your niece nephew or friends, whatever your stewardship, those blessings are there and just as laser guided and sweet. He asks so little of us in the grand scheme of things yet, when you feel that pull of the spirit in moments of tender mercies with your children, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice anymore. It was only giving back what was His in the first place. That is when we truly feel the purpose of being here on this earth and serving others and our Master in its purest form. That is when we feel the tender blessings that are only reserved for women who sacrifice.